3 months

It's hard to believe that 3 months have gone by since mom died.  It feels like yesterday. It still feels so raw.  I still have terrible images in my head, and I hear that raspy breathing, I can't get it out of my head. There literally hasn't been a day that I have not cried.... in fact I probably cry multiple times most days.  My mind just wanders and BOOM, all of a sudden I am crying. I am filled with regret and guilt and doubt....

This is harder than I thought

I guess I never really gave it any thought, but dealing with death when you don't believe in religion is hard.  There is nothing that I can take comfort in. I don't believe that I'll see her again, I don't think she is with other people that have died... as comforting as all of that is.... I can't believe it. I wish that I could, oh boy, do I wish that I could believe all of that. It makes it all a little easier, it gives you an escape.  All I can do is think about my mother and everything that her existance has created. All of the life that she brought into the world.

I feel bad for not understanding her better.  I now realize what affect that growing up in Nazi Germany had on her, and it took me this long to realize it.  

I'm scared

She's not eating or drinking.... sleeping all the time......  she's dying.  She's going to die soon....

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

my world crumbles when you are not near...

That song was playing on the radio 14 years ago when we were driving to the hospital to find out that they were taking Matt off of life support.

guilt

I am going to try to go to see my parents this weekend.  I have to talk to my instructor and see if I can miss the time from school.  I am hoping it will be ok.

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.

So annoyed

That's it, that's what I am.  So annoyed with everything.  I just want to run away, as I always do, but now more than ever.  I am just done. I need a fucking break from life.  I wish there was a way to have a life break...

SO overwhelmed

This is just not as easy as I thought it would be.  I don't remember the last time I actually wrote anything.  Things have been so hectic and hellish the past couple of months.  There has been a lot of adjusting and just chaos.  Seth got a new job after a month off, the kids started school.  Evan at a new school, Mady started school too!  I also started my radiography school.  The summer was rather intense with a lot of hospital work.  This semester I have 4 classes and I work in the hospital 2 days a week.  It's overwhelming at times.  I have a hard time in some of the classes.  I don't really do well with remembering formulas, and there seems to be a lot of that.  Finding the time and energy to study is hard too.  I am having a hard time balancing everything and actually having time for me.  I don't remember the last time I did something for myself.  I need to do my hair, I really want to get it done over the weekend.  I am dying for a a haircut and my eyebrows are way out of control.  I just want to feel a sense of normalcy.

I went to visit my parents last month and that gets harder and harder each time.  It is hard to see my mother just fade away.  Still no talking to my brother.... it's ok though ... less drama in my life the better.