It's a choice

Basically everything in life is a choice. You either make the right one or the wrong one. You might choose something one day and regret it the next. The one thing you won't regret is the choice to be happy. To be happy int he skin you're in. To live the life you're living in the best way. I struggle with choosing happiness and self acceptance. I realize that I am too critical, mostly of myself and I don't know how to get past that.How do I get to happiness instead of what I am in? I feel like murky water right now.... just foggy and not clear. Not right....

My latest realization

I really don't have any friends. It's not really a bad thing. I realized that no-one, literally no-one, will initiate something with me. It's always me trying to arrange a get together, and I guess I am kind of over it now. There are people who I have been waiting over a year to get back to me about a time that works to get together... that sucks... and because it sucks, I can't give it a place in my life anymore.

Kinda losing it

My little man has been sick this past week. Not anything major.... at least I don't know much right now... he tested positive for strep throat last Sunday, started taking antibiotics and wasn't getting better, so they changed the antibiotic to a stronger one, and it seemed to be doing the trick until this morning. Ethan woke up with a rash all over from his head to mid thigh.... it's not getting better, it's getting worse... and I'm kinda freaking out right now. I just went to check on him and his face is just completely red with just a few white spots, his trunk is covered, arms covered with a nasty, angry rash. Benadryl isn't touching this rash at all. It was itching a bit tonight so I put something all over his chest. He's sleeping now, and has been sleeping for a while.... it just breaks my heart to see something wrong with him. I feel helpless.  There is nothing worse than feeling helpless. I can really see why people would turn to religion when they feel this way, because at least that way you can feel like you are doing something, even though you really aren't, it's just a placebo....No-one wants to feel helpless, like something is out of their control. Everyone wants to feel some semblance of control, and right now... I feel helpless and in control of nothing. Something is at war with one of the loves of my life and I can't do anything but wait... and watch...

Guilt

I don't know why my brother's death seems to be affecting me more than I would have thought it should.  I mean, honestly, I haven't seen him in maybe 25 or so years.... I have these memories of him when we visited Germany, he was always really happy. He liked to pick my nose... that'a a silly thing to remember. I feel that sometimes I feel other people's pain too much. Somehow I can kind of put myself in their shoes too much. I can't say that I have ever been right about how people feel, but I can imagine the pain that Peter was in. His mother left him as a child to go off with a man to another country.  Even if it was his decision to stay, I couldn't imagine having my mother leave me... then to find your grandmother, who raised you, dead on the kitchen floor.... marriage, 2 kids, divorce... then to find out that your mother had a sister that she gave up and you never knew about.  That your mother was pregnant and she hid it from everyone and then gave birth in secret and just gave the baby away....and then to finally hear that your mother died... that's a lot... a lot for any one person to go through. Mentally taxing

More time

You always think that you have more time than you really do.  I thought that I would be able to reconnect somehow with my brother... it is a little harder than picking up the phone as we speak a different language and he lives in a different country.  I tried a few years back when my mother died, to get in contact with him... I am in contact with his daughter and son.... but apparently he wasn't in contact with them either. I thought I had time.... time that I could compose some sort of message and get an email or something...  but I found out last week that he died... alone... just a shitty way to go... it's upset me quite a bit, I have these images in my head... and the more I think about it the more elaborate the images become..

Too much good luck

Things have been going so well lately that it is slightly scary. Seth just got an amazing job a mile away from home. I am getting a part time job that will have good benefits, so that is a relief. It's a third shift job, for the most part, so that will be a bit of an adjustment, but it's not a ton of hours so I should be able to adjust ok.  It's at a place that I am familiar with, so that is a plus as far as anxiety goes.  I feel like I am getting to a good place with the anxiety and PTSD. I mean, there are good days and bad days.... today was an off day, but for the most part I am doing much better than 6 months ago.  I am glad that I was able to see the downward spiral and to get the help that I needed. It's never easy to get admit, "Hey, I can't do this by myself anymore."  I've been able to keep the weight that I lost off, so that feels good to have lost 40 pounds and to not have it creep back on.  I would love another 40 gone. I got my thyroid medication sorted out and I actually have it, I was not taking it regularly for the past 5 months, so that was started to affect me as well.  I am hoping that I can just get everything sorted out.  I joined a gym yesterday... I joined online, so I still have to actually go there.... hopefully in the next week I can get my ass there.

I have been trying to reconnect with friends and I don't seem to be having much luck, which makes me sad... but there is only so much that I can do.  I message people and they don't message back. I try to arrange a get together and get blown off. I was especially hurt by one friend who I was waiting to hear from for like 3 or 4 months, so I messaged again and I just got a dismissive reply with no plans made for the future. So I don't know what to do with that. I mean, what can you really do with that? I don't know... maybe she's going through some shit... I don't know.

Maybe it's time to let go

I feel like I have tried to reach out to several people recently and I have not gotten anywhere. There is only so much a person can do before they decide to just throw in the towel.  I mean, how hard is it to answer a message that you read? How hard is it to come up with a time to get together.  Friendship shouldn't have to be like that.  If you want to do something, then make plans. If you don't, then be straightforward about it and just say so. I'm sick of last minute cancellations... ignored messages.... people are just too shady these days.

It's hard when you get older and realize that your "circle" is small. Then you realize, maybe it needs to be even smaller... if people don't have time for me, then what else is there to do.  Walking away, for the most part seemed to work well with certain family members.