Heatbroken

Today was my first day of clinical and it was emotionally hard.  Basically because we are supposed to practice on each other and I am the fat one that needs to have two cartridges instead of one, higher technique.... it just made me want to cry, kind of like I am right now. Luckily I was able to keep it together, barely... i just hate what I have become.  How did I let it get this far?  I don't understand what I am doing wrong. When I exercised, it made me gain weight... everything makes me gain weight, doesn't matter what I eat.  I am just so done with everything