Thanksgiving

Well, I went home for Thanksgiving....  I went to cook dad dinner since it was the first major holiday without mom.  He cooked the turkey before I got there!  That was kind of aggrevating, but it came out ok when I reheated it.  I think the saddest thing was when he called me Gertrud...  I ignored him the first time when he called me that but then he said it louder and made me sit down.  Kind of like when he called and left a message on my phone to Gertrud.

I came home
and sat with you.
I knew the time was near.
I didn't know what to say
so I just held your hand.
Everything was slowing down.
It seemed as though peace was close at hand.
I took a few minutes so we could be alone
before I got the others.
We all gathered around
I told you we were there
I said I loved you as tears streamed down my face.
I lay down beside you
like I used to do when I was little.
My head on your hip
your frail hand in mine.
I felt your heart slowing
until it just stopped.
With a slow, silent exhale
you left us.
Your pain was over
and mine was beginning.
I miss you so much.
I thought it would get easier
it hasn't quite yet.
I don't know where your energy went
we all know you were a spitfire
full of something, I'm not quite sure what.
That energy can't be gone
it's here somewhere.

I wish
that I could go back
and say everything 
I wanted to say.
That I could go back 
and spend more time.
I always thought
waiting to exhale
meant that there was a fresh start.
That you were holding your breathe until
there was relief. 
I didn't realize the relief was the end.
I didn't realize that it was the last breathe.

Frustrated

I am frustrated beyond belief.  I am fed up with everything.  Everything it pissing me off, I just want to quit everything.

Still seems like yesterday

That's the truth.. it still feels like yesterday. I wish there was a way to make the images go away in my head.  I wish that there was a way to change the terrible images into a memory of sitting and talking with mom.  Everything is just so ugly.