I wasn't expecting to hear about such a horrible event when I got into my car to go to work this morning. I always listen to talk radio and when I got in the car I kept hearing the tail end of what happened. I pulled over to check on my phone what was in the news.
I guess the thing that really upset me was that I got to a point where I was pretty close to being agoraphobic when I got back from Iraq. I would have panic attacks in crowds, I would be scared of all the people in crowds. I would have to plan my grocery shopping to be when the store was virtually empty. I went to the VA and talked to someone for quite a long time about my fears about something bad happening in a large crowd. I think most of that fear stemmed from having to read intel reports in Iraq 24 hours a day and to know what people were actually capable of. It took years to get over the panic and the fear of large crowds and the most progress has been in the last 10 months for me. I was able to stop taking my medication and I was feeling pretty good... until today... everything came rushing back. It must be how an alcoholic feels drinking the first drink, everything came back and I was right back to where I was a few years ago. I was on high alert when I was working in my stores. I was told in therapy that the odds of such things happening are so small. The thing is they happen! and they happen more than anyone would like. Since I got home, the was Arizona, Virginia Tech, Ft Bragg, something at a mall in Canada I think... so the thing is is that it is happening. It is something that I can not control which in turn makes me feel out of control.
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