It's a choice

Basically everything in life is a choice. You either make the right one or the wrong one. You might choose something one day and regret it the next. The one thing you won't regret is the choice to be happy. To be happy int he skin you're in. To live the life you're living in the best way. I struggle with choosing happiness and self acceptance. I realize that I am too critical, mostly of myself and I don't know how to get past that.How do I get to happiness instead of what I am in? I feel like murky water right now.... just foggy and not clear. Not right....

My latest realization

I really don't have any friends. It's not really a bad thing. I realized that no-one, literally no-one, will initiate something with me. It's always me trying to arrange a get together, and I guess I am kind of over it now. There are people who I have been waiting over a year to get back to me about a time that works to get together... that sucks... and because it sucks, I can't give it a place in my life anymore.

Kinda losing it

My little man has been sick this past week. Not anything major.... at least I don't know much right now... he tested positive for strep throat last Sunday, started taking antibiotics and wasn't getting better, so they changed the antibiotic to a stronger one, and it seemed to be doing the trick until this morning. Ethan woke up with a rash all over from his head to mid thigh.... it's not getting better, it's getting worse... and I'm kinda freaking out right now. I just went to check on him and his face is just completely red with just a few white spots, his trunk is covered, arms covered with a nasty, angry rash. Benadryl isn't touching this rash at all. It was itching a bit tonight so I put something all over his chest. He's sleeping now, and has been sleeping for a while.... it just breaks my heart to see something wrong with him. I feel helpless.  There is nothing worse than feeling helpless. I can really see why people would turn to religion when they feel this way, because at least that way you can feel like you are doing something, even though you really aren't, it's just a placebo....No-one wants to feel helpless, like something is out of their control. Everyone wants to feel some semblance of control, and right now... I feel helpless and in control of nothing. Something is at war with one of the loves of my life and I can't do anything but wait... and watch...

Guilt

I don't know why my brother's death seems to be affecting me more than I would have thought it should.  I mean, honestly, I haven't seen him in maybe 25 or so years.... I have these memories of him when we visited Germany, he was always really happy. He liked to pick my nose... that'a a silly thing to remember. I feel that sometimes I feel other people's pain too much. Somehow I can kind of put myself in their shoes too much. I can't say that I have ever been right about how people feel, but I can imagine the pain that Peter was in. His mother left him as a child to go off with a man to another country.  Even if it was his decision to stay, I couldn't imagine having my mother leave me... then to find your grandmother, who raised you, dead on the kitchen floor.... marriage, 2 kids, divorce... then to find out that your mother had a sister that she gave up and you never knew about.  That your mother was pregnant and she hid it from everyone and then gave birth in secret and just gave the baby away....and then to finally hear that your mother died... that's a lot... a lot for any one person to go through. Mentally taxing

More time

You always think that you have more time than you really do.  I thought that I would be able to reconnect somehow with my brother... it is a little harder than picking up the phone as we speak a different language and he lives in a different country.  I tried a few years back when my mother died, to get in contact with him... I am in contact with his daughter and son.... but apparently he wasn't in contact with them either. I thought I had time.... time that I could compose some sort of message and get an email or something...  but I found out last week that he died... alone... just a shitty way to go... it's upset me quite a bit, I have these images in my head... and the more I think about it the more elaborate the images become..

Too much good luck

Things have been going so well lately that it is slightly scary. Seth just got an amazing job a mile away from home. I am getting a part time job that will have good benefits, so that is a relief. It's a third shift job, for the most part, so that will be a bit of an adjustment, but it's not a ton of hours so I should be able to adjust ok.  It's at a place that I am familiar with, so that is a plus as far as anxiety goes.  I feel like I am getting to a good place with the anxiety and PTSD. I mean, there are good days and bad days.... today was an off day, but for the most part I am doing much better than 6 months ago.  I am glad that I was able to see the downward spiral and to get the help that I needed. It's never easy to get admit, "Hey, I can't do this by myself anymore."  I've been able to keep the weight that I lost off, so that feels good to have lost 40 pounds and to not have it creep back on.  I would love another 40 gone. I got my thyroid medication sorted out and I actually have it, I was not taking it regularly for the past 5 months, so that was started to affect me as well.  I am hoping that I can just get everything sorted out.  I joined a gym yesterday... I joined online, so I still have to actually go there.... hopefully in the next week I can get my ass there.

I have been trying to reconnect with friends and I don't seem to be having much luck, which makes me sad... but there is only so much that I can do.  I message people and they don't message back. I try to arrange a get together and get blown off. I was especially hurt by one friend who I was waiting to hear from for like 3 or 4 months, so I messaged again and I just got a dismissive reply with no plans made for the future. So I don't know what to do with that. I mean, what can you really do with that? I don't know... maybe she's going through some shit... I don't know.

Maybe it's time to let go

I feel like I have tried to reach out to several people recently and I have not gotten anywhere. There is only so much a person can do before they decide to just throw in the towel.  I mean, how hard is it to answer a message that you read? How hard is it to come up with a time to get together.  Friendship shouldn't have to be like that.  If you want to do something, then make plans. If you don't, then be straightforward about it and just say so. I'm sick of last minute cancellations... ignored messages.... people are just too shady these days.

It's hard when you get older and realize that your "circle" is small. Then you realize, maybe it needs to be even smaller... if people don't have time for me, then what else is there to do.  Walking away, for the most part seemed to work well with certain family members.

I miss her

I miss my mother. Her birthday is in a few days and I really miss her. It's been hard. I want to talk to her/  It's hard to go home and know that what was her is now in a box on the table.There is nothing comforting being an atheist  when it comes to the death of a loved one.  The only thing I know for sure is that she isn't in pain and she isn't suffering anymore. That's all.  I will never see her again, and that is hard to cope with.

Please, don't thank me for my service

I have no idea why it bothers me so much, but it really does.  It is usually just a passing phrase when people find out that I was deployed to Iraq, "Oh, you went to Iraq? Well thank you for your service."  I never know what to say, what can you say to that.  I don't want ot say "You're welcome" because I didn't do it for them.  I didn't serve for anyone but myself.  I didn't do anything special that warrants a thank you, I just did my job.  Did I love it? No. Would I do it again? Probably not.

I just had an interview today where the interviewer thanked me for my service and asked?at I did "over there." It's such a curiuosity about what happens 'over there.' Do they really want to hear that it sucked over there?  That it was nasty over there.  That I didn't just have to worry about the enemy, that I was scared of my fellow soldiers.  That I felt way too vulnerable being there as a female. That I was sexually harassed all the time? That I was scared to take showers because scuzzy guys would come in there? That there were rockets and mortars raining down on the base at all hours of the night.

It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I could have been in a tent with showers every week, this I know.

I also know that I don't want to be thanked for it.

Walking away

There comes a time when you have to decide that what's best is to walk away.  There's no sense trying to fight it. Sometimes it is better to just throw in the towel.  I don't know why throwing in the towel has such a bad rap, it shouldn't. Sometimes it is the smartest thing to do.

It's been a bad year

It seems as though it will continue.....  I have had the worst headache of my life for the past two weeks.  I could probably attribute it to stress, but school is over now and all I really have to do is take my registry in a little over  a week.  Yes, that is a bit stressful, but not SUPER stressful.  This headache has been constant.... hasn't gone away and stays in the exact same spot behind my head.  I could probably deal with it, but then other things started happening too..... I was driving home from the supermarket and all of a sudden I couldn't see everything that I knew was in front of me.  Like I knew there was a car in front of me, but parts of it were missing... blacked out....  it lasted for like 45 minutes.  This past Sunday, after working out in the backyard, I came in and sat down and all of a sudden there were these strange wavy circles floating around.... wouldn't go away for about 30 minutes.  My face goes numb too....   so it all became too much for me, I broke down and went to the Dr.  I now have to go on Wednesday to have an MRI of my brain.  The Dr wants to rule out MS and a tumor..... so now I am a little more stressed out. When I look into MS symptoms, I have some pretty major ones, especially when I take into account that I already have an autoimmune disorder and the fact that I test positive for EBV antibodies. There are other things too that I would rather not divulge right now.  SO I will just have to wait and see.  I am going to get a copy of the MRI as well, but I really don't want to wait for a long time to figure this out.

All I really want is to get a job in radiography.  I feel  guilty for not working for the past few years.  granted I was going to school and i hope that that wasn't a waste of time.  I just want to work.  I want to feel relevant again, I want to earn money. It is so suffocating to not earn my own money or contribute to the household financially.

There was also more family drama, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I thought things could move forward, but it is hard to do when you are not dealing with rational people. It's disappointing overall.

9 months

It's been nine months since I warhced my mother take her last breath. It's been nine months of pain that won't go away.  I will admit that I don't cry every day anymore, there are some days that i forget, but then when I do remember, I feel guilty for having forgotten, if only for a day. How could I forget how tiny she was, that she fit into toddler pull-ups?  How could I forget the horrible rattle of her lungs struggling to inhale? How could I forget thinking that I gave her the morphine in her final hours in the hopes to ease her pain, but never knowing if in fact I sped up her dying?How could I forget talking to her and not knowing that she heard or understood me ? How could I forget the pink  mosaic nightgown that she passed away in? How could I forget the morning of her death where she continued to have these awful, green slimey bowel movements when she hadn't eaten in a week?How could I forget the shape of every bone in her body, because there was nothing left of her? How could I forget the priest coming to say last rites 5 minutes too late and the look of horror on his face when he saw her? The past nine months would have been a whole lot easier with religion, that much I know for sure.  Maybe that's why the pain is still so raw, because I know that it isn't going to happen like the religious people say, I would love to believe it, but I can't.  It's hard to not just talk to her, I fucking miss her, it hurts, it still fucking hurts.

Almost over

I can't believe that I am almost done with school. Literally weeks away.

It's always something

I just feel like I am at my breaking point and when I feel like I can't take it any more, something else has to fall on my plate.
My recent mammogram came back abnormal, so I have to go in for more images.  Not until two weeks from now though.... so I have to wait around and just imagine something toxic growing inside of me.  I couldn't sleep last night.  The only way that my body seems to relieve stress is through my eyes, so the tears just continue to flow.....  I miss my mom, I wish that I could just have the conversations that I never had with her. I am just filled with regret and guilt.  I can't take it

Christmas

Just really sad that mom isn't around.  It's not like I have been home in forever, but it's hard knowing that I will never talk to her again. I miss the 30 second phone calls with nothing to say.  Now I have plenty to say and I can't say it. So I try to call dad more.  Even when there's nothing left to say and it would be easier to just skip calling.... I would rather have an awkward phone call than not be able to talk to him ever again.

Thanksgiving

Well, I went home for Thanksgiving....  I went to cook dad dinner since it was the first major holiday without mom.  He cooked the turkey before I got there!  That was kind of aggrevating, but it came out ok when I reheated it.  I think the saddest thing was when he called me Gertrud...  I ignored him the first time when he called me that but then he said it louder and made me sit down.  Kind of like when he called and left a message on my phone to Gertrud.

I came home
and sat with you.
I knew the time was near.
I didn't know what to say
so I just held your hand.
Everything was slowing down.
It seemed as though peace was close at hand.
I took a few minutes so we could be alone
before I got the others.
We all gathered around
I told you we were there
I said I loved you as tears streamed down my face.
I lay down beside you
like I used to do when I was little.
My head on your hip
your frail hand in mine.
I felt your heart slowing
until it just stopped.
With a slow, silent exhale
you left us.
Your pain was over
and mine was beginning.
I miss you so much.
I thought it would get easier
it hasn't quite yet.
I don't know where your energy went
we all know you were a spitfire
full of something, I'm not quite sure what.
That energy can't be gone
it's here somewhere.

I wish
that I could go back
and say everything 
I wanted to say.
That I could go back 
and spend more time.
I always thought
waiting to exhale
meant that there was a fresh start.
That you were holding your breathe until
there was relief. 
I didn't realize the relief was the end.
I didn't realize that it was the last breathe.

Frustrated

I am frustrated beyond belief.  I am fed up with everything.  Everything it pissing me off, I just want to quit everything.

Still seems like yesterday

That's the truth.. it still feels like yesterday. I wish there was a way to make the images go away in my head.  I wish that there was a way to change the terrible images into a memory of sitting and talking with mom.  Everything is just so ugly.