Why pray?

Here is the one thing that I just don't understand... if people believe that god is all powerful and makes things happen and can fix things... why do they pray to the same being that caused the illness that they are praying for a cure for? So if your child has come down with an illness... god caused that illness, so why pray to him to cure the illness that he caused? If you believe in god so strongly, why not just continue to pray rather than take you child to the Dr.  The answer is because science and medicine are what cures, not praying. I understand what it feels like to feel helpless and want to feel like you are actively doing something in order to help... praying lets you feel like you are actively doing something.  When my mother was gravely ill and in the hospital I felt completely helpless, I wished that there was something that I could do for her.  She was in the ICU getting the best care that she could get... that is what I had to take comfort in.  I was raised Catholic and it was a cognizant effort on my part to realize that praying wasn't the answer. I just thought about my mother and the memories that I have of her, I thought of the care that she was getting in the hospital and took comfort in those things.

I need a change

I need a complete life overhaul.  I am so unhappy with the way that my life turned out.  I want more, I feel like I deserve more than this.  I know that change needs to come from within, so I need to look inward to find what I need.  I need some sort of enlightenment.  I need to find my zen place, I am going to try to start looking for different activities that can help me with that.  I am going to try to start going to the Buddhist temple and hope to start meditating.

Newtown CT

It might be strange, but I have not been able to stop crying since the first moment that I heard about the shooting.  That is before there was any inkling of casualties, just that there was an elementary school shooting.  Seriously, I have been crying, sobbing... off and on all this time.  I am traumatized by what has happened.  I wanted to rush to school to get Ethan out of school early, it took everything I had not to go get him.

I can not get the images out of my mind. This crazed lunatic going into a room, the same age as my son's classroom and literally shooting them all multiple times.  11 rounds in one small child? It is inconceivable to me.  It breaks my heart.

I was at McDonalds with the kids and I counted about 20 kids playing at the playplace.  It was so full of life and laughter and smiles... and then I thought about this horrible man who actually could walk into a room like that and kill everyone.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I should tell Ethan about what happened.  He is my 1st grader.  I don't want him to find out from someone else.  My daughter, who is 4, knows about it because she was with me when I was watching the news and she saw me crying.  I explained to her a little bit about the bad man doing a bad thing and she made her sad face, she asked if it was Ethan's school and she was very relieved when it wasn't.  I just don't know what to tell Ethan, I don't want him to be scared to go to school, but honestly, I am scared for him to go to school.  I feel better that I am not working anymore and that I am not ever going to be far away from his school, I can take comfort in that, just a little though. 

You always have to worry about a copycat, there was a guy who wanted to shoot up a Twilight premier, luckily he was stopped, so I am sure there will be a lunatic that will see how much attention this is getting and want that all to himself.  Why is it men/boys who always seem to do this stuff?

I don't know what they are going to do differently at Ethan's school.  They already have a buzzer system. Although all you have to do is ring the buzzer and they let you in, they never ask who or what you want.  I am sure that will change. I think they said there might be more of a police presence for a while.  That makes me feel better.  I would rather a cop at every school all day every day than on the side of the road on some useless detail, sleeping...

Made it through

We made it through Sandy without too much worry. It is always better to be safe than sorry though!

I am unusually stressed out though.  I think the storm has taken a toll on me, along with the working full time and still doing everything at home.  I feel like I am drowning.  It's too much and I am taking it out on the kids.  I am short tempered and I just don't like it.  I don't want to feel this way.  I am stressed out about money, but who isn't when it comes down to it, right? It is just exacerbated because I am only going to be working for another month and a half.  Just to add insult to injury, the TV bulb decided to die the day before yesterday. Seth didn't want t order another bulb for it, but I am going to check to see how much they are. Just checked and they are only about $40.  So I think I am going to order another one, that way we don't have to try to look for a good deal on a TV, and we can save up for a good one rather than an impulse one.

Getting ready for Sandy

It is hurricane season again.  Apparently this hurricane is super big.  I am slightly nervous,  but I have done all the prepping that I can think of.  Obviously, I am sure there is more that I can do.  I am making sure that the cell phone is 100% charged, the hand held game devices are charged ( that's not a real necessity, but it will give me a bit of peace when the children are at their wits end when we lose power.  I gassed up both of the vehicles and I have a good deal of canned goods, including Spam! I have a transistor radio, candles. lighters, many flashlights and batteries and lots of water.  I will probably fill the tubs with water later tonight.   I am mostly concerned with heat... I don't have anything for heat, except a lot of blankets.

It is currently rather windy and rainy, nothing too bad just yet, hopefully it stays this way!

It's hard to talk to a psycho

I realized this recently.  I don't know why I think that people can evolve and actually understand how life really works.  Sometimes though, you run into a psychotic, egotistical, lunatic who thinks the world revolves around her.  So I will officially give up. I can not waste my energy on someone that is so vacuous. It is a shame and I worry that if something happens again where I need to call for an emergency that it will have bad results.

I never thought that things could end up this way, but... it is what it is and there is nothing that I can do about it. It makes me sad to see things so fractured, but this too shall pass.

Quitting my job

It isn't an easy decision.  I think I have a lot of people's dream job, who wouldn't want to work for Nintendo?  But I have a couple of bosses who live with me, and they pay in hugs and kisses and smiles and tears and giggles.... you get the idea.  I will miss the extra money but the reward is much better  staying at home.  The past couple of months has been so stressful.  So, so stressful.  I feel like I have had a little bit of a setback with my PTSD and I am trying to work through it as best I can but I can tell that I am a little off,, so I can try to focus some much needed time for me as well.

Too much going on

A few weeks ago, we woke up to the smoke detector at 230 in the morning.  We wen out in to the kitchen to find flames climbing up the cabinets.  Luckily my dear hubby is a quick thinker, he ran for the extinguisher and I ran for the kids and the phone.  I ran out of the house calling 911 and he put out the fire.6 fire trucks came rumbling up while we were sitting on the stoop with the kids in our pajamas.  The smoke was overwhelming. It took over the whole house. We were lucky though, there really wasn't too much damage.  Our Keurig coffeemaker started the fire.  It was plugged in, but turned off. It was the only thing melted and destroyed.  The cabinets above the machine and the ceiling got the brunt of the damage.. The microwave needs replacing too, it had damage, I can't really say how much, but I am sure the integrity of the machine has been compromised.  I don't know about the stove. The area is still under investigation and that includes the stove and I don't know if it sustained any damage not 100% visible, so I don't feel safe using it.

We went out last week and bought many more fire extinguishers, an escape ladder for the top floor and new smoke detectors. It's pretty traumatizing.  My husband and I are the luckiest unlucky people in the world.

Suffocating

I feel like the amount of stress that I have in my life right now is suffocating me.  It's all rather minor, but accumulated it feel overwhelming.  Ethan has been getting sick way too far too often for a little guy.  He just throws up randomly.  It all goes back to when Evan was diagnosed with diabetes and I am slightly paranoid about Ethan having it.  He has been thirsty a lot lately... maybe I am building it up in my head, but to ease the paranoia I am going to check his fasting blood sugar tomorrow when he wakes up just to make sure that it is below 100,  once I see that on the meter, that will just make me feel better.

I have a week long  trip to San Diego coming up for work that is stressing me out.  The first day of school is tomorrow. We moved the boys into one bedroom because for some reason they wanted to share a bedroom, I guess they feel like they will have double the amount of toys.. I think that is the boy logic that they are subscribing to.  Work is kind of getting to me.... I am getting to a point where I just kind of am ambivalent towards my job.  I decided i am applying to the radiography program again this January.  There shouldn't be a waiting list anymore and I am pretty sure that I should be able to get in.

In other life things, I think that I am going to join Weight Watchers.... again... I can't really say that I am thinking that it is going to have wonderful results.  I think the thing that gets me about it is that the people who actually run the "meetings" don't have any real nutrition training... although the same can be said for a Dr. as well.. I just don't like the whole AA feel to the meetings and I don't like how the meeting person seems to give off the impression of knowledge, when everybody is different and every bodies needs are different.  It can't all just relate to points... but I am going to give it a try again and see what happens.  I am also going to try to go back to the YMCA again and start working out. It has been literally a year since I have worked out.... ever since I started the job I haven't worked out. Pretty pathetic... I am really down on myself lately... I need a lift.. I am hoping to try to get to the gym at the hotel when I am in San Diego, I really won't have that much else to do , I don't really plan on going out or anything like that, so i am going to really try to get some good workouts in and hopefully it will help to jump start a workout program.

I also want to go home and visit my parents....I just feel like I need to see them now with my own two eyes and make sure that they are actually OK and doing well.... to look around the house and see how things are....

Batman Massacre

I wasn't expecting to hear about such a horrible event when I got into my car to go to work this morning. I always listen to talk radio and when I got in the car I kept hearing the tail end of what happened.  I pulled over to check on my phone what was in the news.

I guess the thing that really upset me was that I got to a point where I was pretty close to being agoraphobic when I got back from Iraq.  I would have panic attacks in crowds, I would be scared of all the people in crowds.  I would have to plan my grocery shopping to be when the store was virtually empty. I went to the VA and talked to someone for quite a long time about my fears about something bad happening in a large crowd.  I think most of that fear stemmed from having to read intel reports in Iraq 24 hours a day and to know what people were actually capable of. It took years to get over the panic and the fear of large crowds and the most progress has been in the last 10 months for me.  I was able to stop taking my medication and I was feeling pretty good... until today... everything came rushing back.  It must be how an alcoholic feels drinking the first drink, everything came back and I was right back to where I was a few years ago.  I was on high alert when I was working in my stores.  I was told in therapy that the odds of such things happening are so small. The thing is they happen! and they happen more than anyone would like.  Since I got home, the was Arizona, Virginia Tech, Ft Bragg, something at a mall in Canada I think... so the thing is is that it is happening.  It is something that I can not control which in turn makes me feel out of control.

Other people's "Status"

I have to be honest, I am getting to the point where Facebook is just pissing me off.  I can be in a good mood, and then check what's going on on Facebook, and someone's status inevitably pisses me off.  I am so sick of reading of people complaining that they don't have X yet they can go out and buy Y... makes no sense to me...if you are going to publicly complain about being hot, for example, then save your money to buy an air conditioner...don't waste your money on something you don't need....

If you complain that no-one visits you, it;s probably because you are documenting your life in status updates and no-one wants to be a part of it.

Unless you were in an accident, you shouldn't really complain about the pain that you are in from elective surgery.  Cosmetic surgery does not garner sympathy from me, unless it is reconstructive...

I find it odd that you are still with a man who beat you many many years ago, or that you cheated on, or that you didn't really know for sure that the baby was his...but somehow you will still act like everything is wine and roses. How do you push yourself so far in denial?

I thought about deleting my account, I had read something that really annoyed me, but now I have a lot of family members on Facebook, especially my dad and he only know how to use facebook... literally the only thing.

I guess for the time being, I will just have to hide the most annoying offenders from showing up in my newsfeed, becuase deleting certain people will cause a rift of some kind too." Why did you delete me?" "Well, your constant status updates pissed me off and were quite shallow on your part and I couldn't take it anymore..."  That might not go ovr so well...

Plastic surgery

I don't understand the obsession with plastic surgery.  I think it looks unnatural and just phony.  I don't understand how you can raise a child to have a healthy amount of self confidence when you are their mother and you are changing your body.

Let me start by saying there is plenty about myself that I would love to change.  One that I will say is my nose.  I have always hated my nose.  I always longed for a little button nose that turns up just a teeny bit at the tip.  I was blessed with a beach ball like nose.  There is no actual tip to my nose, because it is a round ball.  The thing is, my daughter has my nose now too, she's 4.  Why would I ever change my nose and leave her to have a beach ball nose?  It's just wrong.

Breast implants are another thing that kills me.If you suffer from low self esteem, no amount of silicone is going to fix that. You will just change your self loathing to another part of your body.  Do you really think those boobs look remotely natural or real? Because they don't.  Now I am just talking about elective surgery, not reconstructive surgery.  They are two different animals.  I just don't understand why someone would want to put a foreign object in their body.  You know your body is made up to reject foreign objects? Like a foreign bag o' silicone... hello, have you know heard the nightmares of silicone leaking? Weren't they outlawed for years?  I don't know I don't keep up on implant headlines... but I think they were.   Those implants don't last forever either... you have to replace them... kind of like changing the oil in your car, I guess they should come with a service plan. 10 years or 100,000 miles?? Who knows.

I just wish people would learn how to accept themselves and the way that they are instead of thinking everything can be fixed the easy way.

Plastic Surgery

Here's something that I am having a hard time reconciling in my head.  Motherhood and plastic surgery.  Especially if you have a daughter.  What example is it setting to your daughter about being naturally beautiful if you are being surgically altered?How does that work?  Do you tell your daughter that she is beautiful and then change the very person that actually genetically made her beautiful?  It really doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe someone could explain that to me.

Would I love some fat sucked out? Yup! I have also always hated my nose, always wanted one that didn't seem to have a beach ball on the end of it, but guess what...it's mine..It's too soon to tell if my daughter will have a beach ball-y nose, but if she does at least she won't feel abandoned because I have a cute button nose now.  There are other plastic surgeries that I have wanted that I won't mention here because it's too embarrassing to admit that I would even want something like that, but when push comes to shove, I know it's not something I would ever do, I have to set the example for my daughter and I need her to know that beauty is different and not a cookie cutter thing.

Zombies

What is going on in the world lately? I wish that I could un-see the photo of that poor man who go this face eaten off by that lunatic! I didn't believe that the reports were accurate, I didn't think that a man would actually eat another man, but I was wrong. Thank you Google for being ever so helpful in finding things that should not be found. Then we have the Canadian porn star who dismembers his lover and mails pieces of his body to politicians and schools. He als'o reportedly filmed the murder and posted in online. Then there is the guy who killed his roommate and decided to eat his brain and his heart.... who the hell does this sort of thing? Bath salts are the cause of this? I can't say that I have ever seen these things being sold, but that is because I never go into a convenience store. So I can't even tell you what you do with these bath salts... smoke them, snort them, inject them...I don't know.... but it seems to be some nasty stuff.  I forgot to mention the guy who ate his girlfriends lips because he thought that she cheated on him and he didn't want her to kiss anyone else.  Quite frankly, I won't even eat chicken if it still has bones in it, let alone raw human flesh or organs. I don't even think I could do it as a matter of survival, I have a weak stomach.

Boy, these new fangled bath salts are really taking Calgon's old slogan...Calgon... Take me away... to a whole new level...  I will stick with my Mr. Bubble in the bath tub and that'll be all for me...

Atheist in a Christian World

I am an atheist. I want to scream it from the rooftops, but that wouldn't go over too well, would it? The word has such a negative connotation. People think I am evil. They think atheists are devil worshippers. Why are people so afraid of someone who has different beliefs than they do? I understand why people believe in a god. I really do. It's comforting. It is nice to feel like things are out of your control and that there isn't anything that you can do to change it. I wish that I could feel that way sometimes. There are several things that I just don't understand about people who believe in a god. I think the first one would be why do you go to a hospital when you are sick. Why not go to church? When my kids are sick, the first thing I do is take them to the Dr. If I truly believed in a god, I would just pray to him, the all powerful, and he should be able to take care of the illness. I personally believe in science. I believe in medicine. Praying isn't going to make an infection go away, antibiotics do. I believe in evolution. I can't reconcile that one "man" made all of us. It doesn't make sense that when there was the great flood and Noah and his family built the ark and all of that story, then that would mean that we are all from Noah and his family since everything else was annihilated due to the flood, right? But there is a rainbow of colors that people coem in, so we all couldn't be decendants of Noah's now, could we?

An excuse for hate

Why do people use religion as an excuse to hate people? I try to accept everybody the way that they are, and not have any preconceived notions about them. I don't that somewho who is gay is innately evil. I don't think they are going to be cast away to hell and I don't think they need to live a life hidden away and lying about who they are or whatthey are. X religion believes that they are better than Y religion. They believe that their god is better than whatever the other believes in. Why can't people just accept that we all believe different things and we cn all be ok with that. Whatever people need to believe in order to get through the day works for them, it doesn't or shouldn't affect your belief. I do not feel threatened by people who have religious beliefs, and just becasue I am an atheist doesn't mean that I am going to try to convert you into not believing. If I ask questions, it just means I am curious. I like to try to understand why people believe what they believe. I try not to judge them though, and I am honest when I say I try... because sometimes it happens, sometimes I just wonder why, or how or sometimes I am confused or baffled. I think it is more me not understanding and being baffled rather than judging. It may be the same thing, I don't know. It isn't a conscience decision.