I miss her

I miss my mother. Her birthday is in a few days and I really miss her. It's been hard. I want to talk to her/  It's hard to go home and know that what was her is now in a box on the table.There is nothing comforting being an atheist  when it comes to the death of a loved one.  The only thing I know for sure is that she isn't in pain and she isn't suffering anymore. That's all.  I will never see her again, and that is hard to cope with.

Please, don't thank me for my service

I have no idea why it bothers me so much, but it really does.  It is usually just a passing phrase when people find out that I was deployed to Iraq, "Oh, you went to Iraq? Well thank you for your service."  I never know what to say, what can you say to that.  I don't want ot say "You're welcome" because I didn't do it for them.  I didn't serve for anyone but myself.  I didn't do anything special that warrants a thank you, I just did my job.  Did I love it? No. Would I do it again? Probably not.

I just had an interview today where the interviewer thanked me for my service and asked?at I did "over there." It's such a curiuosity about what happens 'over there.' Do they really want to hear that it sucked over there?  That it was nasty over there.  That I didn't just have to worry about the enemy, that I was scared of my fellow soldiers.  That I felt way too vulnerable being there as a female. That I was sexually harassed all the time? That I was scared to take showers because scuzzy guys would come in there? That there were rockets and mortars raining down on the base at all hours of the night.

It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I could have been in a tent with showers every week, this I know.

I also know that I don't want to be thanked for it.

Walking away

There comes a time when you have to decide that what's best is to walk away.  There's no sense trying to fight it. Sometimes it is better to just throw in the towel.  I don't know why throwing in the towel has such a bad rap, it shouldn't. Sometimes it is the smartest thing to do.

It's been a bad year

It seems as though it will continue.....  I have had the worst headache of my life for the past two weeks.  I could probably attribute it to stress, but school is over now and all I really have to do is take my registry in a little over  a week.  Yes, that is a bit stressful, but not SUPER stressful.  This headache has been constant.... hasn't gone away and stays in the exact same spot behind my head.  I could probably deal with it, but then other things started happening too..... I was driving home from the supermarket and all of a sudden I couldn't see everything that I knew was in front of me.  Like I knew there was a car in front of me, but parts of it were missing... blacked out....  it lasted for like 45 minutes.  This past Sunday, after working out in the backyard, I came in and sat down and all of a sudden there were these strange wavy circles floating around.... wouldn't go away for about 30 minutes.  My face goes numb too....   so it all became too much for me, I broke down and went to the Dr.  I now have to go on Wednesday to have an MRI of my brain.  The Dr wants to rule out MS and a tumor..... so now I am a little more stressed out. When I look into MS symptoms, I have some pretty major ones, especially when I take into account that I already have an autoimmune disorder and the fact that I test positive for EBV antibodies. There are other things too that I would rather not divulge right now.  SO I will just have to wait and see.  I am going to get a copy of the MRI as well, but I really don't want to wait for a long time to figure this out.

All I really want is to get a job in radiography.  I feel  guilty for not working for the past few years.  granted I was going to school and i hope that that wasn't a waste of time.  I just want to work.  I want to feel relevant again, I want to earn money. It is so suffocating to not earn my own money or contribute to the household financially.

There was also more family drama, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I thought things could move forward, but it is hard to do when you are not dealing with rational people. It's disappointing overall.

9 months

It's been nine months since I warhced my mother take her last breath. It's been nine months of pain that won't go away.  I will admit that I don't cry every day anymore, there are some days that i forget, but then when I do remember, I feel guilty for having forgotten, if only for a day. How could I forget how tiny she was, that she fit into toddler pull-ups?  How could I forget the horrible rattle of her lungs struggling to inhale? How could I forget thinking that I gave her the morphine in her final hours in the hopes to ease her pain, but never knowing if in fact I sped up her dying?How could I forget talking to her and not knowing that she heard or understood me ? How could I forget the pink  mosaic nightgown that she passed away in? How could I forget the morning of her death where she continued to have these awful, green slimey bowel movements when she hadn't eaten in a week?How could I forget the shape of every bone in her body, because there was nothing left of her? How could I forget the priest coming to say last rites 5 minutes too late and the look of horror on his face when he saw her? The past nine months would have been a whole lot easier with religion, that much I know for sure.  Maybe that's why the pain is still so raw, because I know that it isn't going to happen like the religious people say, I would love to believe it, but I can't.  It's hard to not just talk to her, I fucking miss her, it hurts, it still fucking hurts.

Almost over

I can't believe that I am almost done with school. Literally weeks away.

It's always something

I just feel like I am at my breaking point and when I feel like I can't take it any more, something else has to fall on my plate.
My recent mammogram came back abnormal, so I have to go in for more images.  Not until two weeks from now though.... so I have to wait around and just imagine something toxic growing inside of me.  I couldn't sleep last night.  The only way that my body seems to relieve stress is through my eyes, so the tears just continue to flow.....  I miss my mom, I wish that I could just have the conversations that I never had with her. I am just filled with regret and guilt.  I can't take it