I am just not feeling it.  I don't know why I am in such a funk, but I definitely am in a funk.  I don't know what to do to gt out of it.  I always place my hopes on something to get me out of it, like last time I thought the job would help... I guess it did a little, now I am pinning everything on school. I know I need to find something, something that is mine...that can take me away... from all the things in my mind that bring me down.

Eulogy

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen.

-Aaron Freeman

Negative

My cushings test was negative, so that was a relief... but not a relief at the same time, I still have no answers as to what is going on with my body.  I'm frustrated, stressed.... i feel like someone is strangling me. Trapped.

Still waiting

Still waiting on the test results and I am working myself up into a tissy.  I keep googling everything and I am stressed out.  I just want to get the results, now.... before I freak myself out more with stores of brain surgery and tumors...radiation... all of that... this can't happen to me now, not when I am going to be going to school.  I keep having these thoughts that it is going to be positive and that I am not going to be able to go to school.  But then I think that there is never going to be a diagnosis for what the fuck is wrong with me and I am just going to keep getting fatter for the rest of my life... it would be too easy if I had an actual diagnosis.

The waiting game

I went to the new endo and she is testing me for Cushings disease/syndrome.... I am slightly stressed out about that diagnosis, hopefully I find out more really soon, because I am working myself into a tissy just researching it. A tumor on my pituitary gland... not something that I would want to have to deal with, neither is brain surgery... so I guess I will just play the waiting game and wait for the test results... hopefully I get them soon....

Taking me back to a bad place

There was a terrible bombing that happened today during the Boston Marathon. So many people were injured, over 100, and three, as of right now are dead.  It takes me back to Iraq when the FOB Marez DFAC was hit with a suicide bomber.  I remember that happening so vividly, even though I wasn't there, I had to pour over the intel that came in about it.  I had to look at the pictures, to try to piece together what had happened and to come up with a risk assessment for Camp Victory.  I saw the pictures of the carnage from today and they look eerily similar to the carnage from that suicide bomber in Mosul. Ball bearings everywhere, into people's flesh... it hurts, it takes me somewhere that I don't want to be.

The Gambler

Kenny Rogers, you are a wise man.  Your song speaks volumes to me right now... walking away, running away, knowing when to do either..holding or folding...  I wish I knew the answer, I really wish I do.