Christmas

Just really sad that mom isn't around.  It's not like I have been home in forever, but it's hard knowing that I will never talk to her again. I miss the 30 second phone calls with nothing to say.  Now I have plenty to say and I can't say it. So I try to call dad more.  Even when there's nothing left to say and it would be easier to just skip calling.... I would rather have an awkward phone call than not be able to talk to him ever again.

Thanksgiving

Well, I went home for Thanksgiving....  I went to cook dad dinner since it was the first major holiday without mom.  He cooked the turkey before I got there!  That was kind of aggrevating, but it came out ok when I reheated it.  I think the saddest thing was when he called me Gertrud...  I ignored him the first time when he called me that but then he said it louder and made me sit down.  Kind of like when he called and left a message on my phone to Gertrud.

I came home
and sat with you.
I knew the time was near.
I didn't know what to say
so I just held your hand.
Everything was slowing down.
It seemed as though peace was close at hand.
I took a few minutes so we could be alone
before I got the others.
We all gathered around
I told you we were there
I said I loved you as tears streamed down my face.
I lay down beside you
like I used to do when I was little.
My head on your hip
your frail hand in mine.
I felt your heart slowing
until it just stopped.
With a slow, silent exhale
you left us.
Your pain was over
and mine was beginning.
I miss you so much.
I thought it would get easier
it hasn't quite yet.
I don't know where your energy went
we all know you were a spitfire
full of something, I'm not quite sure what.
That energy can't be gone
it's here somewhere.

I wish
that I could go back
and say everything 
I wanted to say.
That I could go back 
and spend more time.
I always thought
waiting to exhale
meant that there was a fresh start.
That you were holding your breathe until
there was relief. 
I didn't realize the relief was the end.
I didn't realize that it was the last breathe.

Frustrated

I am frustrated beyond belief.  I am fed up with everything.  Everything it pissing me off, I just want to quit everything.

Still seems like yesterday

That's the truth.. it still feels like yesterday. I wish there was a way to make the images go away in my head.  I wish that there was a way to change the terrible images into a memory of sitting and talking with mom.  Everything is just so ugly.

3 months

It's hard to believe that 3 months have gone by since mom died.  It feels like yesterday. It still feels so raw.  I still have terrible images in my head, and I hear that raspy breathing, I can't get it out of my head. There literally hasn't been a day that I have not cried.... in fact I probably cry multiple times most days.  My mind just wanders and BOOM, all of a sudden I am crying. I am filled with regret and guilt and doubt....

This is harder than I thought

I guess I never really gave it any thought, but dealing with death when you don't believe in religion is hard.  There is nothing that I can take comfort in. I don't believe that I'll see her again, I don't think she is with other people that have died... as comforting as all of that is.... I can't believe it. I wish that I could, oh boy, do I wish that I could believe all of that. It makes it all a little easier, it gives you an escape.  All I can do is think about my mother and everything that her existance has created. All of the life that she brought into the world.

I feel bad for not understanding her better.  I now realize what affect that growing up in Nazi Germany had on her, and it took me this long to realize it.  

I'm scared

She's not eating or drinking.... sleeping all the time......  she's dying.  She's going to die soon....

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

my world crumbles when you are not near...

That song was playing on the radio 14 years ago when we were driving to the hospital to find out that they were taking Matt off of life support.

guilt

I am going to try to go to see my parents this weekend.  I have to talk to my instructor and see if I can miss the time from school.  I am hoping it will be ok.

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.