So annoyed

That's it, that's what I am.  So annoyed with everything.  I just want to run away, as I always do, but now more than ever.  I am just done. I need a fucking break from life.  I wish there was a way to have a life break...

SO overwhelmed

This is just not as easy as I thought it would be.  I don't remember the last time I actually wrote anything.  Things have been so hectic and hellish the past couple of months.  There has been a lot of adjusting and just chaos.  Seth got a new job after a month off, the kids started school.  Evan at a new school, Mady started school too!  I also started my radiography school.  The summer was rather intense with a lot of hospital work.  This semester I have 4 classes and I work in the hospital 2 days a week.  It's overwhelming at times.  I have a hard time in some of the classes.  I don't really do well with remembering formulas, and there seems to be a lot of that.  Finding the time and energy to study is hard too.  I am having a hard time balancing everything and actually having time for me.  I don't remember the last time I did something for myself.  I need to do my hair, I really want to get it done over the weekend.  I am dying for a a haircut and my eyebrows are way out of control.  I just want to feel a sense of normalcy.

I went to visit my parents last month and that gets harder and harder each time.  It is hard to see my mother just fade away.  Still no talking to my brother.... it's ok though ... less drama in my life the better.

Oops

I think I made a mistake, I think I should have gone into Ultrasound instead of x-ray....  ultrasound is less traumatic, safer, warmer.... less gore... I don't know what to do.

Heatbroken

Today was my first day of clinical and it was emotionally hard.  Basically because we are supposed to practice on each other and I am the fat one that needs to have two cartridges instead of one, higher technique.... it just made me want to cry, kind of like I am right now. Luckily I was able to keep it together, barely... i just hate what I have become.  How did I let it get this far?  I don't understand what I am doing wrong. When I exercised, it made me gain weight... everything makes me gain weight, doesn't matter what I eat.  I am just so done with everything

SOmetimes

when you try to do something nice, it just becomes more of a pain in the ass than it's worth.

I am just not feeling it.  I don't know why I am in such a funk, but I definitely am in a funk.  I don't know what to do to gt out of it.  I always place my hopes on something to get me out of it, like last time I thought the job would help... I guess it did a little, now I am pinning everything on school. I know I need to find something, something that is mine...that can take me away... from all the things in my mind that bring me down.

Eulogy

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen.

-Aaron Freeman

Negative

My cushings test was negative, so that was a relief... but not a relief at the same time, I still have no answers as to what is going on with my body.  I'm frustrated, stressed.... i feel like someone is strangling me. Trapped.

Still waiting

Still waiting on the test results and I am working myself up into a tissy.  I keep googling everything and I am stressed out.  I just want to get the results, now.... before I freak myself out more with stores of brain surgery and tumors...radiation... all of that... this can't happen to me now, not when I am going to be going to school.  I keep having these thoughts that it is going to be positive and that I am not going to be able to go to school.  But then I think that there is never going to be a diagnosis for what the fuck is wrong with me and I am just going to keep getting fatter for the rest of my life... it would be too easy if I had an actual diagnosis.

The waiting game

I went to the new endo and she is testing me for Cushings disease/syndrome.... I am slightly stressed out about that diagnosis, hopefully I find out more really soon, because I am working myself into a tissy just researching it. A tumor on my pituitary gland... not something that I would want to have to deal with, neither is brain surgery... so I guess I will just play the waiting game and wait for the test results... hopefully I get them soon....

Taking me back to a bad place

There was a terrible bombing that happened today during the Boston Marathon. So many people were injured, over 100, and three, as of right now are dead.  It takes me back to Iraq when the FOB Marez DFAC was hit with a suicide bomber.  I remember that happening so vividly, even though I wasn't there, I had to pour over the intel that came in about it.  I had to look at the pictures, to try to piece together what had happened and to come up with a risk assessment for Camp Victory.  I saw the pictures of the carnage from today and they look eerily similar to the carnage from that suicide bomber in Mosul. Ball bearings everywhere, into people's flesh... it hurts, it takes me somewhere that I don't want to be.

The Gambler

Kenny Rogers, you are a wise man.  Your song speaks volumes to me right now... walking away, running away, knowing when to do either..holding or folding...  I wish I knew the answer, I really wish I do.

Frustrating day

It seems like today is one of those days where everything is just going wrong.  I am fed up with today.  I want it to be over. Now the kids soccer payment hasn't processed... why have me enter my fucking credit card information on the site and authorize the charge and then not do it?  So I have to get that sorted out. Still waiting on a check from the insurance company.  Had to change endocrinologists today since the one that I have won't change my prescription.  I just want to scream.  The weather stinks. snow and rain together fucking suck.  Picking up the kids in the rain fucking sucks. these two birds suck, all they do is make a mess and I am sick of them. There they go squawking again.  No one gives a shit about them, but if I got rid of them, they would get upset. So annoying.

Had a breakdown at the gym because I got stuck in front of the TV that is airing flashbacks of Iraq.  I'm just so done....

Raging PMS

I am out of control.  Everything is making me crazy today!  It is like I have a hair trigger and it is so frustrating.  I don't want to be around anyone or anything! Everywhere I look, I just get aggravated.  Nothing in the house can stay clean for longer than an hour... and that is being generous.  Sometimes I just hate it!  I don't want to be around me, it's that bad.

Whew, 8 years...

Tuesday is going to be my 8 year anniversary.  It seems so crazy.. it's such a long time...but it doesn't necessarily feel like it has been 8 years...although some days it feels like 100 years.  I guess it just depends on the day.  I've learned in 8 years that marriage is work.  It just doesn't come naturally.  It's not easy.  It't not wine and roses every day, hell, it's not even wine and roses once a year!  There have been times that I wanted to run away, times when I should have run.  I haven't been the easiest to live with either.  Changing hormones, pregnancy, post- partum depression, PTSD, major depressive disorder, anxiety, diabetes, lyme disease, pukey-poopy viruses...all of these things we have gotten through, not to mention an actual war!  We have such wonderful children.  It's hard to believe we have made it this far.  We're making it work...
It's not lovey dovey..I don't know anyone who is married and lovey dovey?Is it supposed to be that way?  We argue, we bicker, we fight....but above all that deep down... we love.

Glade Expressions Collection

I am a BzzAgent, and I was lucky enough to receive a coupon for a free Glade Expressions Fragrance Mist and a coupon for a free Glade Expressions Oil Diffuser.
So I went to the store right away and picked up the diffuser in Pineapple and Mangosteen fragrance and I got the mist in the Lavender and Juniper berries.  I have to say, the diffuser is the most beautiful diffuser that I have ever seen.  It just looks so elegant and refined.  The fragrance is subtle, but strong enough to scent the whole living room.  I don't even know what a mangosteen is, and I was a little hesitant to try it, but I thought, hey, it's free I might as well go out on a limb.  Let me tell you, the fragrance is so nice! I love it.  You are able to purchase refills for the diffuser which appeals to my "green side."

For the fragrance mist, I picked up the lavender and juniper berries, again, I had no idea what juniper berries are, but what the heck!  I was drawn to the silver decanter over the white!  The nice thing is that you can peel the label off, so it looks much nicer than a can of air freshener sitting in the bathroom or near the litter box! My 6 year old son saw the bottle and asked what it was.  When I told him it was air freshener he said, "Wow, that's fancy, I like it."  The fragrance is also very, very nice.  I really want to try the Fuji Apple and Cardomom scent...I know what both of those are and I love them!  Can't wait to try more fragrances!

God has better things to do

Before I start, I need to say that I am an atheist...

I get so annoyed at people who pray to go for stupid shit!  Like I am sure today there will be plenty of people praying for one team or another to win he Superbowl.  I think it is pretty egotistical for someone to think, that with all the things going on in the world, that god gives a flying fuck about who wins the Superbowl!  Like I said, with everything going on in the world, people dying, children sick, that you would think that he would take time out of his busy, never ending, 24/7 job... there are different time zones, so I can't imagine that god sleeps since he is bothered by people praying for stupid shit at all hours of the day!

Not a great week

I thought it would be a decent week, I was ready to go to the gym 4 days this week... so what happened?  Let's see, on Monday I think school was delayed, so I couldn't go to the gym on Monday.  Tuesday...  I was all set to go , Mady was going to go to her little dance class and I planned to work out...all the kids were in the car ready to be dropped off at school, I just wanted to see if Seth was on his way home so he could say good-bye to the kids before I took off. I pulled out of the driveway and parked on the street because I wanted to check my phone to see if Seth was on his way home. So as I was sitting in the car checking my phone...parked... because I am a cautious driver... I look in my mirror to see this minivan driving down the road and I noticed he wasn't moving over the slightest and I knew he was going to hit my mirror...  I kept tying to convince myself that he wasn't gonna hit it, but this all happened within seconds... but sure enough, he drove by and took my mirror off... and HE DIDN'T STOP!!  I laid on the horn but he kept going.  I managed to get the license number though!  So I thought I might be able to catch up to him, I didn't.  I say a cop sitting in a parking lot so I pulled up and told him what happened and he said he would have an officer come by the house after I dropped the kids off.  Lucky I got that plate number!  The police were able to track down the driver and I was able to get a police report with his insurance information to file a claim.  The mirror costs over $200 plus $100/hr labor for installation.  So I saved close to $500 by writing the number on my hand..glad that I wrote it down too, because I totally forgot it by the time I got home!

So Wednesday I had to go to the college to take a test for admittance into the radiography program.  I thought it was odd that the girls there to take the test were all taking a different test than what I needed to take, so when the proctor finally came out to take our money, she said "That test isn't now"  Luckily, I brought the actual appointment card I was given, because I am paranoid, that is clearly printed "PSB Test" with the time and date written on it.... she was nice enough to accommodate me, but it took her an hour, literally an hour, to set up the computer for my test.  So that caused some pre-test anxiety....  I did OK on the test, I would have liked to have gotten a higher score, I got a 90 on academic aptitude and 84 on natural sciences.  So hopefully those scores are high enough to get me in the program.  I don't have a back up plan.. this is it... I need to get in the program this year.  Although I am stressed as the program starts in June instead of when the kids are going to be in school.... that is going to be tough. We'll work it out though.

The oil burner man came yesterday to service the boiler, finally, we missed a service last year...it took him a long time and he had to replace a couple of important parts, but... it is done and I feel better for that!

A month at home

It's been a month since I quit my job at Nintendo... who quits a job working for Nintendo??  I did!  And guess what... I miss it...  I miss the adult interaction, I miss the games, I miss the freebies... all the things that you would expect to miss about working for such a great company.  I also miss the insurance benefits!

It has been a big adjustment staying home full time again, but it is rewarding as well.  I think it is the small victories that I have to take great pleasure in.  You might not understand if you don't have kids. A little victory is yesterday not having to yell one time for everyone to get in bed and stay in bed and to be quiet.  Although I had to stay upstairs for a half and hour until 2/3 of the kids fell asleep, it was so much less stressful than them running rampant like they usually do.  Today was a small victory... I didn't let my 6 y/o son manipulate me like he usually does and he fell asleep in his own bed! He has a tendency to end up in my bed..... judge all you want....I don't care...

I need to work on meal planning!  I need to know what is going to happen for the week at the beginning of the week.  I can't fly by the seat if my pants anymore trying to figure out what to cook an hour before it has to be on the table.  I need inspiration and I need new things to cook!  I find that I cook the same things week after week and it is getting old.  I need to find new recipes that the whole family will like.... not as easy as one would think.

I need to clean the bathroom too... boys and bathrooms do not equate to a clean floor... that's all I am saying on that!

New Year

Here's to hoping that 2013 is better than 2012!  I am hoping to find some real change in the upcoming year.  Inner change, inner peace and inner happiness.  All lofty dreams, to be sure, but I am going to start going to the Zen center and really practicing Buddhism this year and searching for enlightenment.  Nothing that I have done in the past has amounted to much and I want that to change.  I feel like the only thing that I have done right is my children, they are wonderful...most of the time, but I know that there needs to be some change. More discipline, more structure and more activities.

If I am totally honest, I feel like 2013 is going to bring me a great loss as well...so I want to make sure that I spend the time that I want to with the people that I want to.