It's hard to talk to a psycho

I realized this recently.  I don't know why I think that people can evolve and actually understand how life really works.  Sometimes though, you run into a psychotic, egotistical, lunatic who thinks the world revolves around her.  So I will officially give up. I can not waste my energy on someone that is so vacuous. It is a shame and I worry that if something happens again where I need to call for an emergency that it will have bad results.

I never thought that things could end up this way, but... it is what it is and there is nothing that I can do about it. It makes me sad to see things so fractured, but this too shall pass.

Quitting my job

It isn't an easy decision.  I think I have a lot of people's dream job, who wouldn't want to work for Nintendo?  But I have a couple of bosses who live with me, and they pay in hugs and kisses and smiles and tears and giggles.... you get the idea.  I will miss the extra money but the reward is much better  staying at home.  The past couple of months has been so stressful.  So, so stressful.  I feel like I have had a little bit of a setback with my PTSD and I am trying to work through it as best I can but I can tell that I am a little off,, so I can try to focus some much needed time for me as well.

Too much going on

A few weeks ago, we woke up to the smoke detector at 230 in the morning.  We wen out in to the kitchen to find flames climbing up the cabinets.  Luckily my dear hubby is a quick thinker, he ran for the extinguisher and I ran for the kids and the phone.  I ran out of the house calling 911 and he put out the fire.6 fire trucks came rumbling up while we were sitting on the stoop with the kids in our pajamas.  The smoke was overwhelming. It took over the whole house. We were lucky though, there really wasn't too much damage.  Our Keurig coffeemaker started the fire.  It was plugged in, but turned off. It was the only thing melted and destroyed.  The cabinets above the machine and the ceiling got the brunt of the damage.. The microwave needs replacing too, it had damage, I can't really say how much, but I am sure the integrity of the machine has been compromised.  I don't know about the stove. The area is still under investigation and that includes the stove and I don't know if it sustained any damage not 100% visible, so I don't feel safe using it.

We went out last week and bought many more fire extinguishers, an escape ladder for the top floor and new smoke detectors. It's pretty traumatizing.  My husband and I are the luckiest unlucky people in the world.

Suffocating

I feel like the amount of stress that I have in my life right now is suffocating me.  It's all rather minor, but accumulated it feel overwhelming.  Ethan has been getting sick way too far too often for a little guy.  He just throws up randomly.  It all goes back to when Evan was diagnosed with diabetes and I am slightly paranoid about Ethan having it.  He has been thirsty a lot lately... maybe I am building it up in my head, but to ease the paranoia I am going to check his fasting blood sugar tomorrow when he wakes up just to make sure that it is below 100,  once I see that on the meter, that will just make me feel better.

I have a week long  trip to San Diego coming up for work that is stressing me out.  The first day of school is tomorrow. We moved the boys into one bedroom because for some reason they wanted to share a bedroom, I guess they feel like they will have double the amount of toys.. I think that is the boy logic that they are subscribing to.  Work is kind of getting to me.... I am getting to a point where I just kind of am ambivalent towards my job.  I decided i am applying to the radiography program again this January.  There shouldn't be a waiting list anymore and I am pretty sure that I should be able to get in.

In other life things, I think that I am going to join Weight Watchers.... again... I can't really say that I am thinking that it is going to have wonderful results.  I think the thing that gets me about it is that the people who actually run the "meetings" don't have any real nutrition training... although the same can be said for a Dr. as well.. I just don't like the whole AA feel to the meetings and I don't like how the meeting person seems to give off the impression of knowledge, when everybody is different and every bodies needs are different.  It can't all just relate to points... but I am going to give it a try again and see what happens.  I am also going to try to go back to the YMCA again and start working out. It has been literally a year since I have worked out.... ever since I started the job I haven't worked out. Pretty pathetic... I am really down on myself lately... I need a lift.. I am hoping to try to get to the gym at the hotel when I am in San Diego, I really won't have that much else to do , I don't really plan on going out or anything like that, so i am going to really try to get some good workouts in and hopefully it will help to jump start a workout program.

I also want to go home and visit my parents....I just feel like I need to see them now with my own two eyes and make sure that they are actually OK and doing well.... to look around the house and see how things are....

Batman Massacre

I wasn't expecting to hear about such a horrible event when I got into my car to go to work this morning. I always listen to talk radio and when I got in the car I kept hearing the tail end of what happened.  I pulled over to check on my phone what was in the news.

I guess the thing that really upset me was that I got to a point where I was pretty close to being agoraphobic when I got back from Iraq.  I would have panic attacks in crowds, I would be scared of all the people in crowds.  I would have to plan my grocery shopping to be when the store was virtually empty. I went to the VA and talked to someone for quite a long time about my fears about something bad happening in a large crowd.  I think most of that fear stemmed from having to read intel reports in Iraq 24 hours a day and to know what people were actually capable of. It took years to get over the panic and the fear of large crowds and the most progress has been in the last 10 months for me.  I was able to stop taking my medication and I was feeling pretty good... until today... everything came rushing back.  It must be how an alcoholic feels drinking the first drink, everything came back and I was right back to where I was a few years ago.  I was on high alert when I was working in my stores.  I was told in therapy that the odds of such things happening are so small. The thing is they happen! and they happen more than anyone would like.  Since I got home, the was Arizona, Virginia Tech, Ft Bragg, something at a mall in Canada I think... so the thing is is that it is happening.  It is something that I can not control which in turn makes me feel out of control.

Other people's "Status"

I have to be honest, I am getting to the point where Facebook is just pissing me off.  I can be in a good mood, and then check what's going on on Facebook, and someone's status inevitably pisses me off.  I am so sick of reading of people complaining that they don't have X yet they can go out and buy Y... makes no sense to me...if you are going to publicly complain about being hot, for example, then save your money to buy an air conditioner...don't waste your money on something you don't need....

If you complain that no-one visits you, it;s probably because you are documenting your life in status updates and no-one wants to be a part of it.

Unless you were in an accident, you shouldn't really complain about the pain that you are in from elective surgery.  Cosmetic surgery does not garner sympathy from me, unless it is reconstructive...

I find it odd that you are still with a man who beat you many many years ago, or that you cheated on, or that you didn't really know for sure that the baby was his...but somehow you will still act like everything is wine and roses. How do you push yourself so far in denial?

I thought about deleting my account, I had read something that really annoyed me, but now I have a lot of family members on Facebook, especially my dad and he only know how to use facebook... literally the only thing.

I guess for the time being, I will just have to hide the most annoying offenders from showing up in my newsfeed, becuase deleting certain people will cause a rift of some kind too." Why did you delete me?" "Well, your constant status updates pissed me off and were quite shallow on your part and I couldn't take it anymore..."  That might not go ovr so well...

Plastic surgery

I don't understand the obsession with plastic surgery.  I think it looks unnatural and just phony.  I don't understand how you can raise a child to have a healthy amount of self confidence when you are their mother and you are changing your body.

Let me start by saying there is plenty about myself that I would love to change.  One that I will say is my nose.  I have always hated my nose.  I always longed for a little button nose that turns up just a teeny bit at the tip.  I was blessed with a beach ball like nose.  There is no actual tip to my nose, because it is a round ball.  The thing is, my daughter has my nose now too, she's 4.  Why would I ever change my nose and leave her to have a beach ball nose?  It's just wrong.

Breast implants are another thing that kills me.If you suffer from low self esteem, no amount of silicone is going to fix that. You will just change your self loathing to another part of your body.  Do you really think those boobs look remotely natural or real? Because they don't.  Now I am just talking about elective surgery, not reconstructive surgery.  They are two different animals.  I just don't understand why someone would want to put a foreign object in their body.  You know your body is made up to reject foreign objects? Like a foreign bag o' silicone... hello, have you know heard the nightmares of silicone leaking? Weren't they outlawed for years?  I don't know I don't keep up on implant headlines... but I think they were.   Those implants don't last forever either... you have to replace them... kind of like changing the oil in your car, I guess they should come with a service plan. 10 years or 100,000 miles?? Who knows.

I just wish people would learn how to accept themselves and the way that they are instead of thinking everything can be fixed the easy way.