Newtown CT

It might be strange, but I have not been able to stop crying since the first moment that I heard about the shooting.  That is before there was any inkling of casualties, just that there was an elementary school shooting.  Seriously, I have been crying, sobbing... off and on all this time.  I am traumatized by what has happened.  I wanted to rush to school to get Ethan out of school early, it took everything I had not to go get him.

I can not get the images out of my mind. This crazed lunatic going into a room, the same age as my son's classroom and literally shooting them all multiple times.  11 rounds in one small child? It is inconceivable to me.  It breaks my heart.

I was at McDonalds with the kids and I counted about 20 kids playing at the playplace.  It was so full of life and laughter and smiles... and then I thought about this horrible man who actually could walk into a room like that and kill everyone.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I should tell Ethan about what happened.  He is my 1st grader.  I don't want him to find out from someone else.  My daughter, who is 4, knows about it because she was with me when I was watching the news and she saw me crying.  I explained to her a little bit about the bad man doing a bad thing and she made her sad face, she asked if it was Ethan's school and she was very relieved when it wasn't.  I just don't know what to tell Ethan, I don't want him to be scared to go to school, but honestly, I am scared for him to go to school.  I feel better that I am not working anymore and that I am not ever going to be far away from his school, I can take comfort in that, just a little though. 

You always have to worry about a copycat, there was a guy who wanted to shoot up a Twilight premier, luckily he was stopped, so I am sure there will be a lunatic that will see how much attention this is getting and want that all to himself.  Why is it men/boys who always seem to do this stuff?

I don't know what they are going to do differently at Ethan's school.  They already have a buzzer system. Although all you have to do is ring the buzzer and they let you in, they never ask who or what you want.  I am sure that will change. I think they said there might be more of a police presence for a while.  That makes me feel better.  I would rather a cop at every school all day every day than on the side of the road on some useless detail, sleeping...

Made it through

We made it through Sandy without too much worry. It is always better to be safe than sorry though!

I am unusually stressed out though.  I think the storm has taken a toll on me, along with the working full time and still doing everything at home.  I feel like I am drowning.  It's too much and I am taking it out on the kids.  I am short tempered and I just don't like it.  I don't want to feel this way.  I am stressed out about money, but who isn't when it comes down to it, right? It is just exacerbated because I am only going to be working for another month and a half.  Just to add insult to injury, the TV bulb decided to die the day before yesterday. Seth didn't want t order another bulb for it, but I am going to check to see how much they are. Just checked and they are only about $40.  So I think I am going to order another one, that way we don't have to try to look for a good deal on a TV, and we can save up for a good one rather than an impulse one.

Getting ready for Sandy

It is hurricane season again.  Apparently this hurricane is super big.  I am slightly nervous,  but I have done all the prepping that I can think of.  Obviously, I am sure there is more that I can do.  I am making sure that the cell phone is 100% charged, the hand held game devices are charged ( that's not a real necessity, but it will give me a bit of peace when the children are at their wits end when we lose power.  I gassed up both of the vehicles and I have a good deal of canned goods, including Spam! I have a transistor radio, candles. lighters, many flashlights and batteries and lots of water.  I will probably fill the tubs with water later tonight.   I am mostly concerned with heat... I don't have anything for heat, except a lot of blankets.

It is currently rather windy and rainy, nothing too bad just yet, hopefully it stays this way!

It's hard to talk to a psycho

I realized this recently.  I don't know why I think that people can evolve and actually understand how life really works.  Sometimes though, you run into a psychotic, egotistical, lunatic who thinks the world revolves around her.  So I will officially give up. I can not waste my energy on someone that is so vacuous. It is a shame and I worry that if something happens again where I need to call for an emergency that it will have bad results.

I never thought that things could end up this way, but... it is what it is and there is nothing that I can do about it. It makes me sad to see things so fractured, but this too shall pass.

Quitting my job

It isn't an easy decision.  I think I have a lot of people's dream job, who wouldn't want to work for Nintendo?  But I have a couple of bosses who live with me, and they pay in hugs and kisses and smiles and tears and giggles.... you get the idea.  I will miss the extra money but the reward is much better  staying at home.  The past couple of months has been so stressful.  So, so stressful.  I feel like I have had a little bit of a setback with my PTSD and I am trying to work through it as best I can but I can tell that I am a little off,, so I can try to focus some much needed time for me as well.

Too much going on

A few weeks ago, we woke up to the smoke detector at 230 in the morning.  We wen out in to the kitchen to find flames climbing up the cabinets.  Luckily my dear hubby is a quick thinker, he ran for the extinguisher and I ran for the kids and the phone.  I ran out of the house calling 911 and he put out the fire.6 fire trucks came rumbling up while we were sitting on the stoop with the kids in our pajamas.  The smoke was overwhelming. It took over the whole house. We were lucky though, there really wasn't too much damage.  Our Keurig coffeemaker started the fire.  It was plugged in, but turned off. It was the only thing melted and destroyed.  The cabinets above the machine and the ceiling got the brunt of the damage.. The microwave needs replacing too, it had damage, I can't really say how much, but I am sure the integrity of the machine has been compromised.  I don't know about the stove. The area is still under investigation and that includes the stove and I don't know if it sustained any damage not 100% visible, so I don't feel safe using it.

We went out last week and bought many more fire extinguishers, an escape ladder for the top floor and new smoke detectors. It's pretty traumatizing.  My husband and I are the luckiest unlucky people in the world.

Suffocating

I feel like the amount of stress that I have in my life right now is suffocating me.  It's all rather minor, but accumulated it feel overwhelming.  Ethan has been getting sick way too far too often for a little guy.  He just throws up randomly.  It all goes back to when Evan was diagnosed with diabetes and I am slightly paranoid about Ethan having it.  He has been thirsty a lot lately... maybe I am building it up in my head, but to ease the paranoia I am going to check his fasting blood sugar tomorrow when he wakes up just to make sure that it is below 100,  once I see that on the meter, that will just make me feel better.

I have a week long  trip to San Diego coming up for work that is stressing me out.  The first day of school is tomorrow. We moved the boys into one bedroom because for some reason they wanted to share a bedroom, I guess they feel like they will have double the amount of toys.. I think that is the boy logic that they are subscribing to.  Work is kind of getting to me.... I am getting to a point where I just kind of am ambivalent towards my job.  I decided i am applying to the radiography program again this January.  There shouldn't be a waiting list anymore and I am pretty sure that I should be able to get in.

In other life things, I think that I am going to join Weight Watchers.... again... I can't really say that I am thinking that it is going to have wonderful results.  I think the thing that gets me about it is that the people who actually run the "meetings" don't have any real nutrition training... although the same can be said for a Dr. as well.. I just don't like the whole AA feel to the meetings and I don't like how the meeting person seems to give off the impression of knowledge, when everybody is different and every bodies needs are different.  It can't all just relate to points... but I am going to give it a try again and see what happens.  I am also going to try to go back to the YMCA again and start working out. It has been literally a year since I have worked out.... ever since I started the job I haven't worked out. Pretty pathetic... I am really down on myself lately... I need a lift.. I am hoping to try to get to the gym at the hotel when I am in San Diego, I really won't have that much else to do , I don't really plan on going out or anything like that, so i am going to really try to get some good workouts in and hopefully it will help to jump start a workout program.

I also want to go home and visit my parents....I just feel like I need to see them now with my own two eyes and make sure that they are actually OK and doing well.... to look around the house and see how things are....