Negative

My cushings test was negative, so that was a relief... but not a relief at the same time, I still have no answers as to what is going on with my body.  I'm frustrated, stressed.... i feel like someone is strangling me. Trapped.

Still waiting

Still waiting on the test results and I am working myself up into a tissy.  I keep googling everything and I am stressed out.  I just want to get the results, now.... before I freak myself out more with stores of brain surgery and tumors...radiation... all of that... this can't happen to me now, not when I am going to be going to school.  I keep having these thoughts that it is going to be positive and that I am not going to be able to go to school.  But then I think that there is never going to be a diagnosis for what the fuck is wrong with me and I am just going to keep getting fatter for the rest of my life... it would be too easy if I had an actual diagnosis.

The waiting game

I went to the new endo and she is testing me for Cushings disease/syndrome.... I am slightly stressed out about that diagnosis, hopefully I find out more really soon, because I am working myself into a tissy just researching it. A tumor on my pituitary gland... not something that I would want to have to deal with, neither is brain surgery... so I guess I will just play the waiting game and wait for the test results... hopefully I get them soon....

Taking me back to a bad place

There was a terrible bombing that happened today during the Boston Marathon. So many people were injured, over 100, and three, as of right now are dead.  It takes me back to Iraq when the FOB Marez DFAC was hit with a suicide bomber.  I remember that happening so vividly, even though I wasn't there, I had to pour over the intel that came in about it.  I had to look at the pictures, to try to piece together what had happened and to come up with a risk assessment for Camp Victory.  I saw the pictures of the carnage from today and they look eerily similar to the carnage from that suicide bomber in Mosul. Ball bearings everywhere, into people's flesh... it hurts, it takes me somewhere that I don't want to be.

The Gambler

Kenny Rogers, you are a wise man.  Your song speaks volumes to me right now... walking away, running away, knowing when to do either..holding or folding...  I wish I knew the answer, I really wish I do.

Frustrating day

It seems like today is one of those days where everything is just going wrong.  I am fed up with today.  I want it to be over. Now the kids soccer payment hasn't processed... why have me enter my fucking credit card information on the site and authorize the charge and then not do it?  So I have to get that sorted out. Still waiting on a check from the insurance company.  Had to change endocrinologists today since the one that I have won't change my prescription.  I just want to scream.  The weather stinks. snow and rain together fucking suck.  Picking up the kids in the rain fucking sucks. these two birds suck, all they do is make a mess and I am sick of them. There they go squawking again.  No one gives a shit about them, but if I got rid of them, they would get upset. So annoying.

Had a breakdown at the gym because I got stuck in front of the TV that is airing flashbacks of Iraq.  I'm just so done....

Raging PMS

I am out of control.  Everything is making me crazy today!  It is like I have a hair trigger and it is so frustrating.  I don't want to be around anyone or anything! Everywhere I look, I just get aggravated.  Nothing in the house can stay clean for longer than an hour... and that is being generous.  Sometimes I just hate it!  I don't want to be around me, it's that bad.