guilt

I am going to try to go to see my parents this weekend.  I have to talk to my instructor and see if I can miss the time from school.  I am hoping it will be ok.

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.

So annoyed

That's it, that's what I am.  So annoyed with everything.  I just want to run away, as I always do, but now more than ever.  I am just done. I need a fucking break from life.  I wish there was a way to have a life break...

SO overwhelmed

This is just not as easy as I thought it would be.  I don't remember the last time I actually wrote anything.  Things have been so hectic and hellish the past couple of months.  There has been a lot of adjusting and just chaos.  Seth got a new job after a month off, the kids started school.  Evan at a new school, Mady started school too!  I also started my radiography school.  The summer was rather intense with a lot of hospital work.  This semester I have 4 classes and I work in the hospital 2 days a week.  It's overwhelming at times.  I have a hard time in some of the classes.  I don't really do well with remembering formulas, and there seems to be a lot of that.  Finding the time and energy to study is hard too.  I am having a hard time balancing everything and actually having time for me.  I don't remember the last time I did something for myself.  I need to do my hair, I really want to get it done over the weekend.  I am dying for a a haircut and my eyebrows are way out of control.  I just want to feel a sense of normalcy.

I went to visit my parents last month and that gets harder and harder each time.  It is hard to see my mother just fade away.  Still no talking to my brother.... it's ok though ... less drama in my life the better.

Oops

I think I made a mistake, I think I should have gone into Ultrasound instead of x-ray....  ultrasound is less traumatic, safer, warmer.... less gore... I don't know what to do.

Heatbroken

Today was my first day of clinical and it was emotionally hard.  Basically because we are supposed to practice on each other and I am the fat one that needs to have two cartridges instead of one, higher technique.... it just made me want to cry, kind of like I am right now. Luckily I was able to keep it together, barely... i just hate what I have become.  How did I let it get this far?  I don't understand what I am doing wrong. When I exercised, it made me gain weight... everything makes me gain weight, doesn't matter what I eat.  I am just so done with everything

SOmetimes

when you try to do something nice, it just becomes more of a pain in the ass than it's worth.