A month at home

It's been a month since I quit my job at Nintendo... who quits a job working for Nintendo??  I did!  And guess what... I miss it...  I miss the adult interaction, I miss the games, I miss the freebies... all the things that you would expect to miss about working for such a great company.  I also miss the insurance benefits!

It has been a big adjustment staying home full time again, but it is rewarding as well.  I think it is the small victories that I have to take great pleasure in.  You might not understand if you don't have kids. A little victory is yesterday not having to yell one time for everyone to get in bed and stay in bed and to be quiet.  Although I had to stay upstairs for a half and hour until 2/3 of the kids fell asleep, it was so much less stressful than them running rampant like they usually do.  Today was a small victory... I didn't let my 6 y/o son manipulate me like he usually does and he fell asleep in his own bed! He has a tendency to end up in my bed..... judge all you want....I don't care...

I need to work on meal planning!  I need to know what is going to happen for the week at the beginning of the week.  I can't fly by the seat if my pants anymore trying to figure out what to cook an hour before it has to be on the table.  I need inspiration and I need new things to cook!  I find that I cook the same things week after week and it is getting old.  I need to find new recipes that the whole family will like.... not as easy as one would think.

I need to clean the bathroom too... boys and bathrooms do not equate to a clean floor... that's all I am saying on that!

New Year

Here's to hoping that 2013 is better than 2012!  I am hoping to find some real change in the upcoming year.  Inner change, inner peace and inner happiness.  All lofty dreams, to be sure, but I am going to start going to the Zen center and really practicing Buddhism this year and searching for enlightenment.  Nothing that I have done in the past has amounted to much and I want that to change.  I feel like the only thing that I have done right is my children, they are wonderful...most of the time, but I know that there needs to be some change. More discipline, more structure and more activities.

If I am totally honest, I feel like 2013 is going to bring me a great loss as well...so I want to make sure that I spend the time that I want to with the people that I want to.

Why pray?

Here is the one thing that I just don't understand... if people believe that god is all powerful and makes things happen and can fix things... why do they pray to the same being that caused the illness that they are praying for a cure for? So if your child has come down with an illness... god caused that illness, so why pray to him to cure the illness that he caused? If you believe in god so strongly, why not just continue to pray rather than take you child to the Dr.  The answer is because science and medicine are what cures, not praying. I understand what it feels like to feel helpless and want to feel like you are actively doing something in order to help... praying lets you feel like you are actively doing something.  When my mother was gravely ill and in the hospital I felt completely helpless, I wished that there was something that I could do for her.  She was in the ICU getting the best care that she could get... that is what I had to take comfort in.  I was raised Catholic and it was a cognizant effort on my part to realize that praying wasn't the answer. I just thought about my mother and the memories that I have of her, I thought of the care that she was getting in the hospital and took comfort in those things.

I need a change

I need a complete life overhaul.  I am so unhappy with the way that my life turned out.  I want more, I feel like I deserve more than this.  I know that change needs to come from within, so I need to look inward to find what I need.  I need some sort of enlightenment.  I need to find my zen place, I am going to try to start looking for different activities that can help me with that.  I am going to try to start going to the Buddhist temple and hope to start meditating.

Newtown CT

It might be strange, but I have not been able to stop crying since the first moment that I heard about the shooting.  That is before there was any inkling of casualties, just that there was an elementary school shooting.  Seriously, I have been crying, sobbing... off and on all this time.  I am traumatized by what has happened.  I wanted to rush to school to get Ethan out of school early, it took everything I had not to go get him.

I can not get the images out of my mind. This crazed lunatic going into a room, the same age as my son's classroom and literally shooting them all multiple times.  11 rounds in one small child? It is inconceivable to me.  It breaks my heart.

I was at McDonalds with the kids and I counted about 20 kids playing at the playplace.  It was so full of life and laughter and smiles... and then I thought about this horrible man who actually could walk into a room like that and kill everyone.

I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I should tell Ethan about what happened.  He is my 1st grader.  I don't want him to find out from someone else.  My daughter, who is 4, knows about it because she was with me when I was watching the news and she saw me crying.  I explained to her a little bit about the bad man doing a bad thing and she made her sad face, she asked if it was Ethan's school and she was very relieved when it wasn't.  I just don't know what to tell Ethan, I don't want him to be scared to go to school, but honestly, I am scared for him to go to school.  I feel better that I am not working anymore and that I am not ever going to be far away from his school, I can take comfort in that, just a little though. 

You always have to worry about a copycat, there was a guy who wanted to shoot up a Twilight premier, luckily he was stopped, so I am sure there will be a lunatic that will see how much attention this is getting and want that all to himself.  Why is it men/boys who always seem to do this stuff?

I don't know what they are going to do differently at Ethan's school.  They already have a buzzer system. Although all you have to do is ring the buzzer and they let you in, they never ask who or what you want.  I am sure that will change. I think they said there might be more of a police presence for a while.  That makes me feel better.  I would rather a cop at every school all day every day than on the side of the road on some useless detail, sleeping...

Made it through

We made it through Sandy without too much worry. It is always better to be safe than sorry though!

I am unusually stressed out though.  I think the storm has taken a toll on me, along with the working full time and still doing everything at home.  I feel like I am drowning.  It's too much and I am taking it out on the kids.  I am short tempered and I just don't like it.  I don't want to feel this way.  I am stressed out about money, but who isn't when it comes down to it, right? It is just exacerbated because I am only going to be working for another month and a half.  Just to add insult to injury, the TV bulb decided to die the day before yesterday. Seth didn't want t order another bulb for it, but I am going to check to see how much they are. Just checked and they are only about $40.  So I think I am going to order another one, that way we don't have to try to look for a good deal on a TV, and we can save up for a good one rather than an impulse one.

Getting ready for Sandy

It is hurricane season again.  Apparently this hurricane is super big.  I am slightly nervous,  but I have done all the prepping that I can think of.  Obviously, I am sure there is more that I can do.  I am making sure that the cell phone is 100% charged, the hand held game devices are charged ( that's not a real necessity, but it will give me a bit of peace when the children are at their wits end when we lose power.  I gassed up both of the vehicles and I have a good deal of canned goods, including Spam! I have a transistor radio, candles. lighters, many flashlights and batteries and lots of water.  I will probably fill the tubs with water later tonight.   I am mostly concerned with heat... I don't have anything for heat, except a lot of blankets.

It is currently rather windy and rainy, nothing too bad just yet, hopefully it stays this way!