So annoyed

That's it, that's what I am.  So annoyed with everything.  I just want to run away, as I always do, but now more than ever.  I am just done. I need a fucking break from life.  I wish there was a way to have a life break...

SO overwhelmed

This is just not as easy as I thought it would be.  I don't remember the last time I actually wrote anything.  Things have been so hectic and hellish the past couple of months.  There has been a lot of adjusting and just chaos.  Seth got a new job after a month off, the kids started school.  Evan at a new school, Mady started school too!  I also started my radiography school.  The summer was rather intense with a lot of hospital work.  This semester I have 4 classes and I work in the hospital 2 days a week.  It's overwhelming at times.  I have a hard time in some of the classes.  I don't really do well with remembering formulas, and there seems to be a lot of that.  Finding the time and energy to study is hard too.  I am having a hard time balancing everything and actually having time for me.  I don't remember the last time I did something for myself.  I need to do my hair, I really want to get it done over the weekend.  I am dying for a a haircut and my eyebrows are way out of control.  I just want to feel a sense of normalcy.

I went to visit my parents last month and that gets harder and harder each time.  It is hard to see my mother just fade away.  Still no talking to my brother.... it's ok though ... less drama in my life the better.

Oops

I think I made a mistake, I think I should have gone into Ultrasound instead of x-ray....  ultrasound is less traumatic, safer, warmer.... less gore... I don't know what to do.

Heatbroken

Today was my first day of clinical and it was emotionally hard.  Basically because we are supposed to practice on each other and I am the fat one that needs to have two cartridges instead of one, higher technique.... it just made me want to cry, kind of like I am right now. Luckily I was able to keep it together, barely... i just hate what I have become.  How did I let it get this far?  I don't understand what I am doing wrong. When I exercised, it made me gain weight... everything makes me gain weight, doesn't matter what I eat.  I am just so done with everything

SOmetimes

when you try to do something nice, it just becomes more of a pain in the ass than it's worth.

I am just not feeling it.  I don't know why I am in such a funk, but I definitely am in a funk.  I don't know what to do to gt out of it.  I always place my hopes on something to get me out of it, like last time I thought the job would help... I guess it did a little, now I am pinning everything on school. I know I need to find something, something that is mine...that can take me away... from all the things in my mind that bring me down.

Eulogy

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen.

-Aaron Freeman