Walking away

There comes a time when you have to decide that what's best is to walk away.  There's no sense trying to fight it. Sometimes it is better to just throw in the towel.  I don't know why throwing in the towel has such a bad rap, it shouldn't. Sometimes it is the smartest thing to do.

It's been a bad year

It seems as though it will continue.....  I have had the worst headache of my life for the past two weeks.  I could probably attribute it to stress, but school is over now and all I really have to do is take my registry in a little over  a week.  Yes, that is a bit stressful, but not SUPER stressful.  This headache has been constant.... hasn't gone away and stays in the exact same spot behind my head.  I could probably deal with it, but then other things started happening too..... I was driving home from the supermarket and all of a sudden I couldn't see everything that I knew was in front of me.  Like I knew there was a car in front of me, but parts of it were missing... blacked out....  it lasted for like 45 minutes.  This past Sunday, after working out in the backyard, I came in and sat down and all of a sudden there were these strange wavy circles floating around.... wouldn't go away for about 30 minutes.  My face goes numb too....   so it all became too much for me, I broke down and went to the Dr.  I now have to go on Wednesday to have an MRI of my brain.  The Dr wants to rule out MS and a tumor..... so now I am a little more stressed out. When I look into MS symptoms, I have some pretty major ones, especially when I take into account that I already have an autoimmune disorder and the fact that I test positive for EBV antibodies. There are other things too that I would rather not divulge right now.  SO I will just have to wait and see.  I am going to get a copy of the MRI as well, but I really don't want to wait for a long time to figure this out.

All I really want is to get a job in radiography.  I feel  guilty for not working for the past few years.  granted I was going to school and i hope that that wasn't a waste of time.  I just want to work.  I want to feel relevant again, I want to earn money. It is so suffocating to not earn my own money or contribute to the household financially.

There was also more family drama, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I thought things could move forward, but it is hard to do when you are not dealing with rational people. It's disappointing overall.

9 months

It's been nine months since I warhced my mother take her last breath. It's been nine months of pain that won't go away.  I will admit that I don't cry every day anymore, there are some days that i forget, but then when I do remember, I feel guilty for having forgotten, if only for a day. How could I forget how tiny she was, that she fit into toddler pull-ups?  How could I forget the horrible rattle of her lungs struggling to inhale? How could I forget thinking that I gave her the morphine in her final hours in the hopes to ease her pain, but never knowing if in fact I sped up her dying?How could I forget talking to her and not knowing that she heard or understood me ? How could I forget the pink  mosaic nightgown that she passed away in? How could I forget the morning of her death where she continued to have these awful, green slimey bowel movements when she hadn't eaten in a week?How could I forget the shape of every bone in her body, because there was nothing left of her? How could I forget the priest coming to say last rites 5 minutes too late and the look of horror on his face when he saw her? The past nine months would have been a whole lot easier with religion, that much I know for sure.  Maybe that's why the pain is still so raw, because I know that it isn't going to happen like the religious people say, I would love to believe it, but I can't.  It's hard to not just talk to her, I fucking miss her, it hurts, it still fucking hurts.

Almost over

I can't believe that I am almost done with school. Literally weeks away.

It's always something

I just feel like I am at my breaking point and when I feel like I can't take it any more, something else has to fall on my plate.
My recent mammogram came back abnormal, so I have to go in for more images.  Not until two weeks from now though.... so I have to wait around and just imagine something toxic growing inside of me.  I couldn't sleep last night.  The only way that my body seems to relieve stress is through my eyes, so the tears just continue to flow.....  I miss my mom, I wish that I could just have the conversations that I never had with her. I am just filled with regret and guilt.  I can't take it

Christmas

Just really sad that mom isn't around.  It's not like I have been home in forever, but it's hard knowing that I will never talk to her again. I miss the 30 second phone calls with nothing to say.  Now I have plenty to say and I can't say it. So I try to call dad more.  Even when there's nothing left to say and it would be easier to just skip calling.... I would rather have an awkward phone call than not be able to talk to him ever again.

Thanksgiving

Well, I went home for Thanksgiving....  I went to cook dad dinner since it was the first major holiday without mom.  He cooked the turkey before I got there!  That was kind of aggrevating, but it came out ok when I reheated it.  I think the saddest thing was when he called me Gertrud...  I ignored him the first time when he called me that but then he said it louder and made me sit down.  Kind of like when he called and left a message on my phone to Gertrud.